WRESTLING WITH (in)GRATITUDE:

Five Ways to Deal with Feeling Less Than Grateful.

Halloween is over. Time to store away the cute little jack-o-lanterns, witches, and ghosts and bring out the Harvest decor and little signs that say, “Give thanks always” and announce to visitors that in this home, we are “Grateful. Thankful. Blessed.”

It’s the time of year we are reminded to be grateful literally EVERYWHERE we turn. And most importantly, it’s the time of year to post something we’re grateful for every day on our social media accounts.

But we’re five days in, and I have not posted anything yet. Because the truth is, I’ve struggled to find something to say that’s true.

So, here’s something that’s true for me, right now:

I am not always grateful.

I know I am fortunate in a lot of ways. I am healthy, my kids are healthy, I am married to a good man, have a good job and we are comfortably middle-class.

So, of course, I am grateful. I really, really am. Except for the times I’m not.

But as women, we are constantly told to be grateful, aren’t we? We are sold “self-help” books and guided journals to make sure we are living in a perpetual state of gratitude. We’re reminded to count our blessings. Oh, and according to Romans 5:3-4, when it comes to hardships, we ought to count those as blessings, too:

“We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

I am not saying I disagree with Paul. I’m just saying it’s fairly easy to be grateful when things are going great in life; a bit trickier when they aren’t.

So, when things are not going quite according to plan, and a well-meaning person tells me I should be grateful - or some other version of “buck up” or “hang in there” or to (God-forbid) “Smile!” - I have to take ten deep, cleansing breaths to calm my face down.

I think sometimes the things we say, albeit in an attempt to be helpful to our friends who are experiencing a rough patch, can miss the mark.

If someone you love is going through a hard time, maybe don’t tell them to be grateful. At least don’t lead with that. Here’s something I think is more helpful to say:

That really sucks. I am so sorry this is happening to you. It’s not fair. Can you think of anything I can do to help?

Instead of shaming them for how they’re feeling, it’s telling them that they’re not in it alone. Because the truth is, all of us are going to find ourselves here at one point or another. Probably a few times over. Life’s just like that, sometimes.

And when we are in the middle of one of these seasons of (in)gratitude, we can't really see how we are going to reach the other side. We’re too close, of course.

Remember those magic eye posters you got from the book fair as a kid? The picture would be total nonsense at first glance. Just blurry blobs and splattered swirls of colorful chaos. You’d hold the picture right up to your nose, staring at it cross-eyed, then slowly pull it back, little by little, until suddenly the picture of bunny rabbit would take shape, and you'd wonder how you could’ve missed it to begin with.

Actual Magic Eye poster, though I do not know what it reveals...

Hard seasons of life are like that. Blurry blobs of nonsense. Perspective comes slowly, and only after we get far enough away from the chaos.

Maybe you are currently experiencing a season of life like that, struggling to live in gratitude. Life isn’t exactly giving you “#blessed” vibes. If that’s the case, then I think the story of Jacob is a comfort.

Because at first glance, Jacob’s story is a MESS.

It begins with deceiving his father and stealing his brother Esau’s birthright, then fleeing from the mess he made, rather than staying to face the consequences. And instead of learning his lesson, he goes on scheming and lying throughout his life. (For his full story, read Genesis 25-49.)

So, when we first meet Jacob, it’s fair to wonder, “What good can possibly come from this chaos?” Just like the magic-eye posters, and just like our own difficult situations, we wonder, “Really?? You want me to make sense of this mess?!”

But with time and perspective, struggle and growth, Jacob’s story works out.

And ours will, too.

So, here are Five Things we can do during those times we feel less than grateful, inspired by Jacob:

1.) Reflect on how you got here.

Quick family tree of Jacob: Earlier in the book of Genesis, God tells Abraham to leave his home and he promises to make him a great nation and will make his descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky. Eventually (we’re talking like 40 years), Abraham and Sarah finally have a child, Isaac, who marries Rebekah, and they have twins, Esau and Jacob.

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob: these are the patriarchs of Israel. Pretty important biblical characters.

Jacob’s twin brother Esau was born first. In Hebrew, Jacob means “one who follows on another's heels” (Genesis 25:26). A constant reminder that he is second to Esau. The Bible tells us that Jacob was a bit of a mama’s boy, but his dad Isaac preferred his brother Esau. No wonder Jacob had a chip on his shoulder…

Jacob’s backstory helps us to understand a little better the reasoning for why he felt the need to steal Esau’s birthright. Knowing our history is important for understanding and predicting our behaviors. If we can take an honest look at the problems of our past, which requires humility, then we will be in a better position to identify patterns that lead us to make certain choices.

Hindsight being 20/20 and all, taking a look back gives us perspective we’d otherwise miss.

In other words, our history can shape our future.

2.) Have faith in God’s plan.

Not only does Jacob deceive his brother and his father to steal Esau’s blessing - his mother puts him up to it! And you thought your family was dysfunctional? (You can read the whole story in Genesis 27.)

The frustrating thing about Jacob stealing the birthright from Esau is that God had always intended to bless Jacob. In Genesis 25:23, God says to a pregnant Rebekah, “Two nations are in your womb, and two peoples from within you will be separated; one people will be stronger than the other, and the older will serve the younger.”

It was always God’s plan to give Jacob the blessing, and his mother knew that. But Rebekah and Jacob were both realizing that Isaac truly preferred Esau and was going to give him the blessing instead. So, rather than trust and wait on God, Jacob took matters into his own hands and decided to go about things his way.

We do that so much in life. We want what we want and we want it NOW so we force it through without considering the bigger picture. People get married too quickly and end up divorced. A bad day at work causes you to quit on the spot, then struggle to find another job. We feel depressed in the moment, so we make choices we later regret. I could go on and on….

I am SO guilty of this. I am impatient and I want things to happen in my timing and I do whatever it takes to make that happen. But so often, I look back on my life and think, well THAT’S why it didn’t work out according to my plan.

I don’t know how to give you advice on figuring out what God’s plan is for your life, much less trusting it. I still don’t know the plan for my own life! I am just suggesting that we can look to the story of Jacob and learn a thing or two about what happens when we try to take matters into our own hands.

Trusting that God knows what’s best for us and leaning into his wisdom, even when it doesn’t make sense to us. This is faith.

3.) Don’t go it alone.

This is something Jacob never got right. After he alienated his family, he went out on the run all by himself. He ends up staying with his uncle Laban, who was pretty much his equal in terms of the art of deception. Laban pulls one over on Jacob (read Genesis 29) and Jacob gets stuck in another less than ideal situation.

Jacob had no one to trust but his own intuition, which clearly steered him wrong a couple of times. So, more importantly than making sure you don’t go it alone, is making sure you choose the RIGHT people to surround yourself with.

Have you ever known someone who was so prone to making bad choices that people say, “He just can't get out of his own way” ? That was Jacob.

So, what we can learn from Jacob is to make sure we do not let our own arrogance and stubbornness get in the way of our success. And that we do not alienate the people who love and care for us in some misguided attempt to be a one-man army.

The best way to make sure you get out of your own way is to set out with people you trust. Inevitably, you will get tired and need someone to help carry your load. The company you keep will either run off with your load while you’re asleep, or they will offer to carry it for you a bit of the way. Choose wisely.

4.) Keep moving.

On the days that it’s hard to be grateful, don’t be. I know no one has ever told you that before, but the truth is, you actually don’t have to be grateful in every moment of your life.

But you do have to keep moving. Just take it one day at a time. Some days, it’s one hour at a time for me. But I keep moving because I have enough experience in my life to know that my setbacks are often setups in disguise. And I want to get there.

There's this saying I like that goes: "If you're going through hell, keep going."

Despite all his flaws, this is what I most admire about Jacob, and is the best takeaway from his story in my opinion: the dude simply does not give up. He is relentless.

When Jacob is finally free to leave his uncle Laban’s home, he sets out of his own with his family and belongings to return to his country. God told Jacob to go back to where he came from and promised him that he would prosper. This time Jacob trusts in God’s plan. So that’s the first area of growth for Jacob, proving he has learned from his past mistakes.

But Jacob knows he’s gotta face his brother Esau, which he’s understandably nervous about, you know, since the last time they saw each other, Jacob stole Esau’s birthright from him.

So, Jacob sends his family and servants on ahead while he hangs back to wait for Esau and the wrath that awaits him. And this time, he doesn’t run; he’s prepared to face the consequences of his decisions. Second area of growth for Jacob.

That night when Jacob was all alone, a mysterious man comes and wrestles with him (Genesis 32:22-32). The text calls Jacob’s wrestling partner “the man,” which a lot of interpretations say was an angel. But Jacob apparently thought it was God (verse 30, Jacob says, “I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”) So, I’m gonna say he wrestled with God.

This is my FAVORITE part of Jacob’s whole story. You really need to read the whole thing in context, but the main takeaway is this: Jacob wrestles with God all night. He does not give up. I’m telling you, relentless.

So, when you are going through a hard time in life, don’t worry about being grateful. Just be gritty. Don’t give up. Your struggle is going to lead to your strength.

5.) Insist on your blessing.

After Jacob struggles with God all night, God eventually breaks Jacob’s hip to try to end the wrestling match. But Jacob still won’t let go. Did I mention Jacob was relentless???

Genesis 32:26 says: “Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

Jacob insisted on his blessing - and God listened.

This idea of “insist on your blessing” was inspired by Barbara Brown Taylor’s book Gospel Medicine. Taylor writes,

"Of course this is all just talk until you have got a stranger on your back, smelling of heaven and pummeling you for all he is worth. When it happens, do not let anyone tell you there’s something wrong. Do not let anyone convince you that if it were really God it would not be so scary and it certainly would not hurt. Hang on with everything that is in you, even if it hurts. Insist on a blessing to go with your wound and do not let go until you’ve got one. Then thank God for your life, limp and all, and tilt your way home."

I love that SO MUCH.

So, just to reiterate: life is not always going to smell of roses and gratitude. Sometimes, it’s going to smell of dirt and sweat and blood and desperation and pain. But if we do not give up, and if we insist on our blessing, we will reap a harvest.

After Jacob insists on his blessing, verse 27-28 says that the man (God) asked Jacob what his name was. After Jacob answered, the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

Jacob is no longer, “the one who follows on another’s heels.” He is Israel. The one who struggles with God. The one who prevails with God.

Jacob went from the lying, cheating, stealing, scheming, fleeing little kid to a man who became the father of Israel, God’s chosen people. Oh, and he and Esau made up. A beautiful story of forgiveness.

If Jacob can find redemption and restoration, so can we. And that is certainly something worth being grateful for.

So, in your times of (in)gratitude, don't beat yourself up. Instead, remember Jacob. And reflect on your history, trust in God’s plan, don't go it alone, keep moving, and insist on your blessing.

I highly recommend reading anything by Barbara Brown Taylor, but this is the book I mentioned in this blog: Gospel Medicine, Barbara Brown Taylor