THE LOST & FOUND:

Check it from time to time. You’ll find things there you didn’t even know were lost.

Summer is here! School is out and if you have a kid in elementary school, you know what that means…. Time to go raid the “Lost and Found” to recover all the items that disappeared this last year! (That wasn’t the first thing that came to mind? Just me?)

My youngest is in middle school now, but I remember at the end of his fourth grade school year, I found eight sweatshirts and jackets in the lost and found. EIGHT. Maddening.

The concept of having a safe place to turn lost things into so that they can be found is actually pretty profound. I mean, we could find a wallet on the ground and just say, “Sucks to be you! Not my problem.” But, instead, we see something that could be of value to someone else, and we take the time to turn it in to a location where they can retrieve it.

Sometimes it’s just a sweatshirt or lunchbox. (One year, I went through three lunchboxes before I got wise and started using paper bags. Then when I began to feel bad about the waste, he started buying school lunch. Maybe one of the best parenting decisions I’ve ever made. I’ll never go back to packing lunches again.) But sometimes it’s something more valuable, like expensive sunglasses or a piece of jewelry.

And sometimes, it’s ourselves that we lose.

When I was a kid, I would wander off from my mom. I would hide under the clothes racks and my poor mother would franticly search for me. On one occasion, I heard my name over the intercom: “Brittany Lindsey, please meet your mother at the front of the store.”

Now when I hear that (which is not very often these days, since even the littlest kids have phones) I smile sympathetically at the weary, exasperated mother waiting for her little boy to come to customer service, and I think to myself, “Oh, don’t worry mama, he’s on his way to you now, and he will grow out of this.” And I also feel a pang of guilt for ever putting my mother through that…

The truth is, I was often just as scared as she was in those moments. Sometimes, I was just being a little brat, sure; but sometimes, I legitimately got lost and was actually terrified, crying, trying to find my mom. (Let me clear, it was not her fault that I wandered off - this was after my dad died and she had a lot on her plate as a single mom, and I was a very curious and gregarious kid, difficult to contain.)

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a designated location for where you go when you lose yourself as an adult? A “Lost and Found” for people.

There was a time when I lost myself. I think that’s something a lot of people can relate to. So, when we realize that we have lost something, the thing that makes us who we are, where can we go, what can we do, to find ourselves again?

I don’t know all the answers to that, and every individual has to do the work to get there themselves. But here’s my story on how I got lost, and then how I got found. And a few suggestions for those going through that process themselves.

HOW I GOT LOST…

I’m a lot. I’m a big personality, with big emotions. I’m outgoing and passionate and I laugh a little too loudly when I think something is really funny. I’m a tad too sensitive, but I don’t mind that about myself because it enables me to relate to people on deeper levels. And I love people. I’m very social and while I do like alone time every now and then, I don’t want to be alone too long, because I thrive around people.

I mentioned I was a gregarious kid. My family jokes that I never met a stranger and when we would go on vacations, I would come away with “a new best friend” I’d just met. I played softball and basketball and loved being part of a team. I was in drama club as a teenager and my world revolved around my friends. Even as an adult, I was in all the clubs I could be in: I played on an adult co-ed softball team, I was in various book clubs, even a knitting club. All because I just loved being around people and socializing.

I tell you all this because somewhere along the way, I became a shell of who I once was. I lost myself.

It was on that co-ed softball team where I met my ex-husband. In truth, I think this is actually what initially drew him to me, that I was friendly and outgoing. But then, early on in our dating, it became clear he did not want me to be quite so much. So, I began to water myself down. I didn’t even know I was doing it at first. But at some point, I realized I needed to be small so he could be big; that was the only way we could work. There was no equality in any part of our relationship.

So, naturally, I married him.

We decided together that I would stay home with the kids while he worked. I was Room Mom for my oldest son all through his elementary school years and that was enough to fulfill me for a while. When my youngest went off to elementary school, I wanted to go back and finish school myself, and eventually go back to work. But that was not the arrangement we had made, and every time I thought about doing something for myself, I felt selfish and that I was not putting our family first.

My role was wife and mother, there was no room to be anything else. My dreams would have to wait. At some point I grew hopeless and I gave up on any goals for myself.

Eventually, one by one, I left all the clubs and groups I was a part of. My emotions and opinions continued to get smaller and my big personality shrunk until it was no longer recognizable to myself or anyone who knew me.

One day, a friend approached me and asked if I was OK. This friend, who actually barely knew me, said to me, while looking straight in my eyes, “It’s like your light is gone. Like you’re here, but the life in your eyes is gone.”

That was the first time I had felt truly seen in years.

And it was something of a revelation for me. I’d been hiding myself and making myself so small that I had disappeared; I truly thought I was invisible. In some subconscious way, I knew I had shrunk. But I thought no one else knew. This friend’s question, the acknowledgment that I used to have a light which was now gone, it stirred up something in me. It was like my old self heard over the intercom: “Brittany Lindsey, please meet yourself at the front of the store.”

HOW I GOT FOUND…

Something shifted in that moment. I started making decisions for myself again. I got more involved in my church and started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I got counseling. I went back to school. And slowly, my light came back.

Which was the end of my marriage.

As soon as I let myself out of the box I’d been living in, I could no more go back inside that box than I could go back to being a child again. It was the freedom I experienced, an almost rebirth, a reintroduction to myself, that I knew I could not go back to how things were, ever again.

(To be fair to him, I do not think this is how he would describe how things fell apart for us, but this is how I felt, and this is my truth, my experience. Keep in mind, there are always two sides to every story, and I am certain his would be different. And I acknowledge I was equally unfair to him, because I never should have tried to be someone I was not.)

Someone else seeing me allowed me to see myself again. This is why it is so important that we really try and see others, and let them know we see them. The truth of the human condition is that we all want to be seen. Even if we are hiding from others, or even from ourselves, we are wired up with a desire to be in relationship, not alone.

I read a story once about a little girl that loved to play hide and seek with her grandmother. But, the little girl would hide in the exact same place every time. Why?

Because she wanted her grandmother to be able to find her.

The point of the story is that we all want to be found.

Have you ever felt like you have lost yourself and no one sees you? Or do you wish others would see you differently?

Maybe you feel like you are seen as only a mother and no longer a woman, or as only someone’s wife and not your own unique person. Perhaps you feel seen for only how you look on the outside and not for your mind, or merely for your age or gender and not what you have to offer. Maybe others see you as the strong one, so you can’t be vulnerable for fear of looking weak. People just see you as the screw-up, so why bother trying? Someone sees you as only a friend, and you long for them to see you as more than that. Maybe you feel seen only for what you did in your past and wish people would see who you are trying to be now.

What would it take to make you feel seen again?

I have a few suggestions...

First, admit that you’re lost. Take a really good look at yourself in the metaphorical mirror and analyze what you see. It has to start with you, because how you see yourself is how others will see you. I saw myself as small, and I became small. I waited until someone else saw the change in me before I gave myself permission to find myself again. I pray you don’t wait for that.

Try to remember what it is that you love. What you used to be good at. Then do those things. Intentionally and often, until that old muscle memory kicks back in and you remember, “Oh yeah, I was pretty good at this.” Bake, paint, pick up your old guitar, dust off those running shoes or golf clubs. Or, pick up something new. Horseback riding or jewelry making or yoga or bird watching, for crying out loud. Just find something to get good at. Research shows that we feel most confident when we are doing something we are good at.

Second, get help. And I don't mean therapy. (Although, yes, definitely get therapy, too.) While it must start with you, it cannot end with just you on your own. You need the support of a community that loves and accepts you exactly as you are and who helps you to become the best version of yourself. Good friends will meet you where you are and walk with you until you’re where you need to be. They will help you to realize your full potential and cheer you on along the way.

So, find a community, or some kind of support group. Join a knitting club or a Cross-Fit gym - those people are like a tight-knit family. An insane, tire-flipping, burpee-loving, sweaty family, but a family no less.

Third, rest on God's promises. And this is only a suggestion, because I recognize not everyone shares my faith, but it helps me to remember who I am in Christ. Our identity should not be defined by our profession, our gender, our relationship status or our political affiliation, or anything else. First and foremost, our identity is who we are in Christ.

For me, that means that no matter how lost I feel, I am reminded that nothing can ever separate me from the love of God.

Finally, start moving. You can’t stay lost. The thing about the “Lost and Found” is that you don’t get a phone call asking you to come pick up your stuff. You have to take it upon yourself to go there and retrieve your items. Lost kids get called on the intercom at the store to meet their party at the front. They have to do the work to get there themselves.

But in both cases, there is a place to return to when something or someone is lost.

Maybe you’re not the one who’s lost, but someone you love is. So, I encourage you to pay attention to the people around you. Do they seem like themselves? Does their light seem to be fading? If so, lovingly and gently say something to them. For us to help our people who are lost, we have to be a light for them, until they find their own light again.

Anne Lamott has this great quote I love:

Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.

I am so grateful to that friend who saw my light had dimmed and said something to me about it. Without that moment where I felt truly seen, I may not have found my way back to myself.

We need those consistent people in our lives who are like a compass for us when we are lost. They provide direction, but they do not grab our hand and pull us along. They stand there like a lighthouse, faithfully shining light, until we correct course and find our way back.

Because deep down, we all want to be found.