STOP THIS & START THAT:
- brittbryan1001
- Jan 23, 2023
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 23, 2023
The 70/30 Relationship Rule - Part 2.
My last blog was about some information I stumbled upon that changed the way I view my relationships. I’m talking about the 70/30 rule.
If you google “70/30 rule,” you will get theories related to communication, finances, minimalism, and a plethora of other concepts. None of that is what I am taking about.
(I recommend you go back and read my last blog -->here <-- before you read this one.)
Here’s a super brief explanation of the concept:
In relationships, we will be mismatched with our partners 70% of the time. Meaning, we will respond in the wrong way 70% of the time, according to our partners’ needs.
In other words, we are getting it right in relationships only 30% of the time.
There’s a lot more to it than that, and relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all. But my point in that blog was that I believe the general idea is true for most relationships.
At least true-ish. Enough to dig in more and think about ways to improve upon that 30%, which is the point of this blog.
I've been looking really hard at my own relationships over the past few weeks. I wanted to work through my thoughts about how I see the truth of the 70/30 rule in my own life, in hopes to improve upon that ratio.
What I learned was surprising and refreshing. Rather than feeling defeated or guilty about it, I believe this is cause to do some meaningful work within ourselves. Because if we are as healthy as we can possibly be as individuals, then our relationships will become healthier as a byproduct.
So, how do we do that work? I want to suggest four things we can start doing to improve our relationships.
1. STOP ASSUMING YOU'RE RIGHT.
(And start being humble.)
Dr. Brene Brown says that disconnection will happen in all relationships, but it’s the repairing that matters most, because it opens the door to closer connection.
Now that we know we are going to miss the mark 70% of the time, it ought to make us take an honest assessment of our behavior.
If you are unsure of whether or not you are responding in the “right way” in your partner’s view, ask them!
I asked my husband David this week how he felt about my reactions to some of our interactions. My sweet husband told me he felt I responded in the right way more often than not...
God love that man, but that’s total nonsense. I am sure he truly believes that, because I trust his heart and know he is honest. But if I were grading myself, I would give myself a C- and write, “You can do better” in red felt marker on my paper.
My point is that we need to first look at ourselves honestly and with humility and a desire to improve. And then, we need to apologize where it’s necessary.
2. STOP SAYING "I'M SORRY."
(And start saying "I was wrong" instead.)
Let’s say you hurt your partner’s feelings. You could try replacing, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” (or worse, “I’m sorry you feel that way”) with, “I was wrong for saying that thing that hurt you. It was insensitive and thoughtless of me.”
Replacing an insincere, blanket “I’m sorry” with a vulnerable, specific “I was wrong for...” communicates to your partner that you heard them and you take responsibility for hurting them. And opens the door to faster forgiveness and repair and ultimately, increased closeness.
(Maybe you truly don’t believe you are wrong in a certain scenario, so don’t use this approach in those cases. I don’t advocate for being a doormat.)
There’s just no doubt about the fact that relationships tend to include a lot of forgiving one another. But I am far more likely to forgive you easier and faster if I feel that you genuinely see what caused my hurt, as opposed to phoning in a fake apology just to move on.
And obviously, all of this has to go both ways.
A quick note for Christians about the word forgiveness:
The Christian vocabulary is heavy on that word. Jesus said we ought to forgive seventy times seven. The word "forgive" is mentioned in the Bible somewhere around 127 times. We know we are called to forgive others.
And in the Bible, forgiveness often goes hand in hand with the word repentance. But there's a bit of an issue with the word “repent.” We tend to think it means confessing one’s sins. But since the New Testament was written in Greek, we should look at the Greek meaning.
"Repent" in Greek is μετάνοια or, metánoia, which means: to change one's mind and behavior about someone or something.
And there it is.
Forgiveness and true repentance must be accompanied by changed minds and changed behavior. That's where the real work begins.
3. STOP "WORKING AT" YOUR RELATIONSHIP. (And start embracing change and pursuing growth.)
Relationships are work, no doubt about it. But the word “work” implies something that is an obligation. Work is a drag for a lot of people. Some of us work for the paycheck, that’s it. To work is “to perform or carry through a task requiring sustained effort or continuous repeated operations.” Now apply that definition to your relationship.
I know what you’re thinking. Romantic, right?
When you view working at a relationship that way, it can be a breeding ground for resentment. Like, “I am doing this for you, because it’s an obligation. Not because I want to, but because I HAVE to.”
We have got to reframe how we view that word when it comes to our relationships.
Instead of seeing the “work” we put into our relationship as a sort of obligation, what if we viewed it like working a garden? (Hate doing yard work? Me too, but stay with me.)
Gardening is hard work, yes. It requires effort and commitment, yes. It’s an investment, yes. But, it’s reciprocal and generative: you’re putting something in and getting something out of it, something that sustains life.
Photo Cred: Better Homes & Gardens article, 7 Scientific Reasons Why Gardening is Good for You
The gardening metaphor works really well anytime you’re talking about growth, which goes hand in hand with a word that makes us all shift uncomfortably in our seats: CHANGE.
But if we want to improve that 70/30 ratio in our relationships, then it’s going to require change. It is not possible to get to a better place in our relationships by changing absolutely nothing. Simple as that.
So, after we acknowledge and accept that we need to change some of our tendencies to allow for the necessary growth, then we need to pursue growth.
This is where we get out of the world of theory and take action.
I think maybe there is a reason the Bible opens in a garden and ends in one as well.
From the creation of Eden in Genesis to the renewed garden city John writes about in Revelation, God always wanted to partner with us to build and cultivate something better together. Better relationships. Better systems. A better world.
God did not give us the garden and say, “Here it is, leave it exactly as is.”
No. God said, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it.” He delegated to us the task of caring for the world and for each other when he said we are to have dominion over all the animals and every living thing. (Genesis 1:28)
See, I propose that God never meant our work to be a way of toiling away and laboring in vain and in misery. It was always meant to be collaborative and creative and generative and life-giving.
What if we started viewing the work we do in our relationships like that?
4. STOP TREATING OTHERS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED.
(And start treating them how they want to be treated.)
So, after we adjust the way we view doing the work, and accept that we need to make changes and pursue growth, we will also need to change our behavior. Which will require another shift in thinking.
You know the golden rule? “Treat others how you want to be treated." I have come to disagree with that. Let me explain.
Do you and your partner know each other’s love languages?
Take the love language quiz here.
Mine is not David’s, and his is not mine. I am “Quality Time,” and he is “Words of Affirmation.”
If I try to love him best with lots of quality time, the result will not be that he feels loved, but suffocated. If he loves me with lots of nice compliments, but never makes time for me, I will start to feel his words are empty without action to back them up.
This applies to how we treat people as well. We want others to treat us how we want to be treated, obviously. But if we treat others the way we want to be treated ourselves, it may not be received quite the same in their view. Because maybe that’s not actually how they want to be treated.
Us last summer on vacation.
Once again, communication is KEY. When an issue arises, and you are calmly on the other side of the conflict, on the solution-side so to speak, ask your partner. Ask them, “How could I have responded to this situation in a way you would have preferred?” And then strive to become the kind of partner who naturally responds in that manner.
Again, I am not advocating that we become weak, submissive partners who compromise our own values. In fact, I think it’s the opposite. By loving our partners in this way, we actually become stronger.
Stronger as individuals, because we are in constant self-reflection, seeking to grow and improve. And stronger as partners, as both of us do that work, and watch as it translates into a stronger relationship.
I believe these four ways can help strengthen and improve our relationships. But I don’t think there’s any better advice on love than Paul’s instructions in 1 Corinthians. Paul shows us what love looks like, and then he tells us that we should do everything in love.
Do. Everything.
To DO is a helping verb; it’s an action. If we want better relationships, we have to take action, because that's the bottom line: love is an action.
So, we have to be humble and admit when we are wrong, and then apologize well. We have to reframe the way we view doing the work, in order to strengthen and grow our relationships. And then we have to change our behavior and take action to make sure we are growing together, rather than apart.
And now that we’ve got a different, and I’d argue better, understanding of what loving our people looks like, it should translate and spread into all areas of our lives and relationships. And hopefully, a much better ratio than 70/30.
“Do not waste time bothering whether you 'love' your neighbor; act as if you did.” - C.S. Lewis, from Mere Christianity
To read more about the idea of changing the way we view work, check out Garden City: Work, Rest, and the Art of Being Human by John Mark Comer.
This is another great book on why changing how we love matters: Love Matters More: How Fighting to Be Right Keeps Us from Loving Like Jesus by Jared Byas
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