HOW TO GET MORE CLICKS ON YOUR ONLINE DATING PROFILE:

brittbryan1001
Feb 18, 2023
8 min read

(Want better relationships? Stop following your gut.)

Everyone is talking about the gut these days.

Health experts tell us that our gut isn’t just linked to digestion, but also to our overall physical and mental health.

TikTok influencers and celebrities pop up on our social media feeds telling us about the newest trend to get a healthier gut.

Photo Cred: https://www.isabelsmithnutrition.com/health/tips-healthier-gut/

I am not here to offer an opinion about that, I am not qualified. I am just remarking on the fact that we talk about the gut A LOT lately.

Actually, our ancient ancestors credited lots of stuff to the gut, as well. For example, the biblical authors had no concept of the brain. They believed that wisdom, thoughts, and emotions came from the heart, the liver, the kidneys, and sometimes, from the bowels (or, the gut).

The guts are still as versatile today as they were then.

Wanna know a secret? Spill your guts.

Laughing super hard? Bust a gut.

Going through a hard time? Gut it out.

Feeling brave? You’re gutsy.

Feeling scared? You’re gutless.

Feeling devastated? That's gut-wrenching.

Feeling uncertain? That’s a gut response.

Your uncle Steve? Well, he has a beer gut.

When it comes time to make a big decision, we might ask for advice, do some research, make a list of pros and cons, or pray about it. But at the end of the day, we typically do what our “gut” tells us to do.

I’m just making the point that it’s a human instinct to make choices based on a “gut feeling.” And I don’t know about you, but my gut has been wrong an awful lot.

Which brings me to what I want to talk about today.

I recently read a book called, Don’t Trust Your Gut: Using Data to Get What You Really Want in Life by economist and data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz (SSD).

Basically, the rest of this blog is going to be my paraphrase of the first chapter of the book. It's not just about better strategies for online dating success, but it's also about the importance of who you choose to marry. (If you’re already married, stay with me. The findings will apply to you, too.)

The book makes the claim that data and algorithms know us better than we know ourselves.

I was never good at math, so at first that was kind of discouraging for me. But what I am good at is reading books and watching movies and writing about them.

You know the movie Moneyball?

It’s where Brad Pitt takes the Oakland A’s, one of the worst teams at the time (2002), to the playoffs. Not with better talent or better coaching. But with sabermetrics, which is the science of sports. It’s the use of statistics to predict patterns in players that can give a team an advantage.

(Ok so, Brad Pitt didn't do that. He just played Billy Beane, the guy who did.)

The story behind Moneyball is what inspired SSD to write this book. He says data can help us make better decisions about our lives. Data can provide solutions to problems that we would never come up with on our own. Because they are often counterintuitive.

If you think this sounds boring, I get it. I cannot believe I even picked up the book to read it. But once I did, I was so fascinated by this theory, that I could not wait to share it with everyone.

Here’s a couple of examples.

Know anyone in sales? Data can determine the traits of the best salesperson.

I work in a dental office and so we get a lot of sales reps coming through trying to get us to use their products. The majority of sales reps come in with huge smiles and playful demeanors. They are very enthusiastic about their product, as if it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. And you would think that’s a good approach right? I mean why would you sell something you don’t believe in?

But data says this is a bad approach. (My eye roll as I toss your business card in the trash after you walk out the door says it’s a bad approach, as well.)

Researchers have found that the emotional expression of a salesperson is a major predictor of how much product they’ll sell.

Overly enthusiastic and positive reps sold less. Reps who show emotions such as anger or disgust also sold less. When looking at the most successful salespeople, staying emotionally neutral and showing less enthusiasm about the product is actually the way to go.

Counterintuitive right? I think that's worth sharing with anyone you know in sales.

Now, as promised, an example from the world of online dating.

Mathematician and researcher Christian Rudder found, after studying tens of millions of preferences on OkCupid’s site, that the most successful daters were, wait for it.....

......The most conventionally attractive.

I know. You're shocked. We didn’t need a really expensive grant to support research to arrive at that conclusion.

But the interesting thing he found was in the group of the second most successful daters.

The daters that also did surprisingly well were those with “extreme looks.” Because while sure, the majority of online daters might be attracted to conventional beauty, many others are actually very attracted to extreme looks.

A lot of people get frustrated with the lack of response they get from online dating. If that’s you, rather than trying to “improve” yourself with a new wardrobe, a spray tan and whiter teeth, just lean into the extreme version of who you are! The data shows that strategy can lead to about 70% more messages.

I am not telling you to go dye your hair blue or get a neck tattoo, unless you're into that. I'm just suggesting that you don't hide the things that make you different; lean into them.

“Be an extreme version of yourself, and some people will find you extremely attractive.” - Seth Stephens-Davidowitz.

Whether you have "extreme looks" or you're in the "conventionally attractive" camp, it makes no difference at the end of the day. Because even though we think that stuff's important, and it is, it's just not what determines a successful or happy relationship.

Sometimes our gut instinct is just plain wrong.

This has certainly been true for me!

In my past, I was something of an expert in choosing the WRONG partners. But it turns out, just like the online dater with the faulty strategy, I was focusing on the WRONG traits when looking for a partner.

We all have similar desires when it comes to searching for a partner. But, many of us get the priority of those desirable traits all out of order.

Fair waring: I’m going to tell you about another study now. (My eyes would totally glaze over and I’d click on something else at this point too. But hang with me, because I promise you’ll find the results to be A BIG DEAL for your relationships.)

Canadian scientist Samantha Joel wanted to know what predicts successful relationships. She decided to pool data from tons of already existing studies and created the largest dataset yet (11,000 couples!) to measure how happy each partner was in their relationship. (Link to this study and her current work at bottom of this blog.)

Here’s what the study looked at:

Demographics (age, education, income, and race)
Physical appearance and sexual tastes
Interests and hobbies
Mental and physical health
Common Values (views on politics, relationships, and child-rearing)

After analyzing all of that data, they arrived at their conclusion:

None of the above.

There was no conclusive way to predict romantic happiness.

Even though Joel’s study didn’t find a slam dunk formula for finding happiness in a romantic partner, it did reveal qualities that could better predict romantic happiness than the ones we typically focus on. Because there are some traits that increase the odds a person will be happy in their relationship. Just not the ones we think.

After I read that, I decided to do my own study. It was a much less scientific. I just asked a bunch of people this question: of the above categories, which did they think would be the greatest determiner of a successful relationship?

The majority said common values was the best indicator of successful relationships. And that’s what I would have said, too.

But that’s wrong.

We think things like common values, similarities, physical attractiveness, height, occupation, even previous martial status and religious affiliation are important indicators of romantic happiness. These are the traits we tend to believe are the most important and so we prioritize them.

But these traits do not correlate with long-term relationship happiness. They actually make no difference.

Ready for the qualities that are the best indicators of a good partner? People who:

Are satisfied with life
Have a secure attachment style
Are conscientiousness
Have a growth mindset

To be fair, it’s kinda hard to know if a person has these traits on a first date. But while you’re in the getting-to-know-you phase, a good way to learn these things is to take those online psychology quizzes together.

I’m not into algorithms, but I do love a good online quiz. But this is not my advice! It’s what Seth Stephens-Davidowitz says to do.

Here’s the beautiful thing about those quizzes: you can take them anytime, not just at the beginning of a relationship. If you want to better understand your partner, whether you’ve been together five weeks, five years, or way longer, these online tests are an awesome way to do that.

Here are a few online psychology quizzes Seth Stephens-Davidowitz recommends in the book:

1. You can learn more about yourself and your partner by taking a career test, personality test, love style test, enneagram test, and more on truity.com. SSD specifically mentions a conscientiousness test, so here’s the link to that one: https://www.truity.com/test/how-conscientious-are-you

2. Want to know if you have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset? He mentions this quiz to learn more about that: https://www.idrlabs.com/growth-mindset-fixed-mindset/test.php

3. Discover your attachment style here: https://quiz.attachmentproject.com/

4. And of course, every third blog of mine I will bring up love languages. So if you and your partner have not taken this yet, you really should. Here’s a link to the free quiz: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

(Fair warning - in some of these quizzes, you can see a glimpse of your results, but you have to pay to get the full report. I suggest after checking the websites out, you go search for some free ones that are similar.)

Whether you are single, newly dating someone, or married for a long time, these quizzes are really great ways to improve not only your romantic happiness, but your own personal happiness as well. And while they can help you get to know your partner better, more importantly, they can help you get to know yourself better, too.

Because no amount of romantic advice in the world will work if you are not first and foremost happy with yourself. If you are a healthier individual, you will be better equipped to be a good partner in a healthier relationship now and in the future.

Which brings me to one final bit of wisdom that came from this book that I want to pass along. Which is this:

Data shows that there is no better way to predict your future romantic happiness with a partner than your current romantic happiness with them.

Please read that again.

We all know people who are in toxic relationships. Chances are, it’s not just one person that’s unhealthy. It takes two to tango.

Let’s pretend we have a mutual friend who is in a toxic relationship. She keeps hoping things will get better. She keeps thinking this person will change. She says things like, “But, I’ve just invested so much time…” and, “Things will get better when…(fill in the blank).”

The data says she’s wrong.

If your partner does not make you happy now, they are not going to evolve into a person who makes you happy in the future.

If you find yourself in unhealthy patterns in your dating life, or if you’re not in a happy romantic relationship, maybe it’s time to stop trusting your gut. Try listening to the data instead.

I want to end by reminding you this is not coming from me. It's all based on the research from Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, so take it up with him.

But on a personal note, my gut led me astray and into more than one unhealthy relationship. I wasted a lot of time on the wrong people.

I found the right one in David for sure. But I would say that happened thanks to these traits that we both share: we were both satisfied with our lives before we got together, we each have secure attachment styles (well, he is solid there, more debatable for me), and we are both conscientious people who are interested in continual personal growth.

Data might not feel sexy, but I assure you, there is nothing sexier than someone who has those traits.

It’s statistical proof. That’s some math I can get on board with.