COMING TO THE TABLE DESPITE DIFFERENCES, PART II:
- brittbryan1001
- Feb 7, 2023
- 9 min read
How to maintain relationships and continue conversations with people we disagree with.
It's not just our Congress that's divided; Americans are, too.
Is it even possible to come to the conversational table and have better, healthier, more productive discourse, with better outcomes and salvaged relationships? I think it is possible, but we have got to become more humble and more curious people.
I wrote about how to get more humble in Part I, and this is Part II where I talk about how we can get more curious.
Check out this article about helpful tips for navigating polarizing topics.
First I want to unpack why curiosity is a better disposition than certainty. Then we will get into how we can become more curious people. And I will end by speaking directly to Christians on the matter, and why this is something we should care about.
BEING CERTAIN VS. BEING CURIOUS
Certainty is a really dangerous position to operate from, if there is any hope for a conversation to result in mutual growth and respect. Especially when it comes to matters of faith.
I think sometimes Christians confuse “correct belief” for faith. We think "knowing God" means we should be certain about what the Bible says. But, there is a deeper kind of knowing that only true faith can provide. A knowing that results from being endlessly curious about God, and trusting God, even when there can be no certainty.
(For more on this idea, check out this book by Peter Enns' called, The Sin of Certainty: Why God Desires Our Trust More Than Our "Correct" Beliefs.)
And when we are genuinely curious rather than certain, we just might be on the verge of a breakthrough. Here’s an example from my own experience.
I grew up believing that I should take the Bible literally, especially the book of Genesis. The earth was created by God in seven literal 24-hour days. (Well, six, and he rested on the seventh.)
When I began learning about evolution in school, my belief in a literal seven day creation started to crack, but I held it together with a healthy dose of stubborn denialism.
It was in my college anthropology class that I could no longer deny the evidence of the age of the earth. The foundation of my faith began to crumble. If I was wrong about this, what else was I wrong about?
This is not a unique experience to me. It’s just an example of what happens when our certainty becomes unraveled. Here are a couple of typical responses to this scenario:
Double-down on the literalism of the Bible and refuse to give credit to science. Find other “experts” who can explain away how the earth might appear older than it actually is.
Decide everything is a lie and throw out your faith altogether.
Those are the “all or nothing” responses. I went a different way.
At first, my faith was challenged and weakened and pretty nearly destroyed. But after I composed myself, I started asking questions. I got super curious about what biblical scholars and theologians thought about the issue. I went to people I trusted and asked what they thought. I got many, MANY differing viewpoints and opinions, and I considered them all.
I prayed. I read. I joined a small group that was studying the book of Genesis. We met a couple times a month to read through it and talk about it. While reading the Bible, we also read another book alongside it. The book was called, The Lost World of Genesis One by John Walton, and it turned my whole faith world upside down in the BEST way.
I learned that science and faith were not mutually exclusive. Nothing in the Bible undermines science and nothing about science undermines the Bible - not when read with an appropriate historical and cultural contextual lens.
My faith came alive like never before. It was perhaps the most exciting time of my whole life. And huge bonus: I met and fell in love with my future husband on this journey.
My point is, what if I hadn’t been curious? I would have missed out on so much.
Now, I'd like to offer three suggestions for how we can get more curious.
HOW CAN WE GET MORE CURIOUS?
1.) We need to practice!
The good news about curiosity is that it’s not like a personality trait or part of our genetic makeup. We can develop curiosity. We can practice it and get better at it.
The other bit of good news is that curiosity is contagious!
Try it. When you meet someone new, ask questions about them. Personal ones. Typically, people will respond well because most people like to talk about themselves! And they will likely ask you questions, too. Because just like yawning, curiosity is contagious. Legit! It’s science.
I read about this study where strangers were told to ask each other personal questions. People were rated as warmer and more attractive if they showed genuine curiosity in the conversation.
So there you go. Curiosity makes you more attractive!
The actual takeaway from that study was that demonstrating curiosity towards someone is a great way to build a closer relationship.
Maybe that’s why Jesus asked so many questions, because he was interested in being in relationship with us. Jesus asked more than 300 questions in the Bible. I’d say that made him a pretty curious guy.
2.) We need to get more curious with OURSELVES.
We need to better understand why we believe the things we do and why we think the things we think.
I was given this advice once, and I found it to be enormously helpful for knowing myself and others better. It’s as simple as this: ask why five times.
Photo cred: https://kanbanize.com/lean-management/improvement/5-whys-analysis-tool#:~:text=Origin%20of%205%20Whys,part%20of%20the%20Lean%20philosophy.
Take any issue you want: guns, abortion, immigration, gender roles. Ask yourself, “why do I believe what I do?” After you have your answer, ask why again.
You might ask why five times or three times or eleven times. Repeat until you find the root of the issue or thing you want to get to the bottom of.
The goal of the exercise is not to change anything about what we believe. It’s simply to understand the why of it. And if that leads to change, then that’s called growth. If it leads to more confidence in that particular belief, that’s called conviction. Win-win.
But we have to be honest for it to count for anything at all. We have to be humble and curious about ourselves and our own biases before we can ever hope to understand anyone else’s.
3.) We need to seek to understand OTHERS.
After we’ve gotten curious with ourselves, we are better equipped to get curious with others.
You know that saying, "You can't really understand another person's experience until you've walked a mile in their shoes”? I think that’s probably true. But it’s not really helpful when you think about it.
We can imagine what it’s like for someone else. We can try to put ourselves into their situations. But we cannot actually walk in their shoes. Not really.
And so rather than quoting some meaningless platitude about walking in someone else’s shoes, how about we go sit at their table and listen to them instead? And ask curious questions with open hearts and minds. Ask them why five times. But do it gently and humbly and from a place of genuinely seeking to understand.
Asking questions helps us to understand ourselves and others better. Maybe we get to learn why they think the way they do and how their experiences and backgrounds have shaped their opinions. And it just might open the door to more understanding and closer connections.
WHY SHOULD CHRISTIANS CARE ABOUT THIS?
Here I want to speak directly to “Certain Christians.” That is, Christians who will go to battle over their certainty when it comes to what the Bible says or intends. Christians who believe that the Bible is literally true, inerrant, and the infallible word of God.
I have a question for these Christians:
If you are so certain about everything in the Bible, what role does faith play for you?
I am genuinely curious, because for me, faith is everything.
But when we go into a conversation certain that we are right, we are no longer being humble. To paraphrase Augustine of Hippo: if you think you’ve got God figured out, it ain't God.
If you believe the Bible is inerrant and infallible, then you believe the Bible contains no mistakes.
Some people are comfortable with that because they just say, “God’s ways are higher than our own,” or, “Who can understand the mind of God?” Or “It’s all part of God’s plan.” As if God intended to confuse, mislead, and screw with us by being intentionally ambiguous and inconsistent.
Saying that, “God doesn’t make mistakes,” is a lovely sentiment. But not if you’re saying it to excuse the atrocities of evil and war and cancer and rape and genocide. Which, some Christians do, because we don’t know what else to do with the evil in the world.
If you are someone who believes that and it helps you sleep at night, that’s fine. Truly. I am not here to judge what works for you.
But that will not work for everyone. It definitely did not work for me. That’s the stuff that kept me up at night. That’s the stuff that made me question the existence of God. What kind of God allows that kind of evil? Not a good one!
If God is all-powerful and can stop evil, but he doesn’t because “it’s all part of his plan,” then I don’t want to be part of that plan! Where can I opt out of that?
Again, if any of the above statements are ones you make, I am actually not trying to change your position. I am just saying that I think it’s important for us all to understand why we believe what we do. And I am saying we need to be endlessly curious about it.
If you happen to be curious about my position on the matter, here it is:
It doesn't matter.
The Bible does not need to be literally true or inerrant or infallible for me. In fact, precisely BECAUSE it’s so screwed up in so many ways, I think it’s a perfect reflection of human nature.
I believe with all of my heart that the Bible was inspired by God. But I also know that it originated in a very geographically specific, ancient, patriarchal culture and was not even written down, in some cases, for thousands of years. It was spoken in oral tradition, and then written by scribes much later, translated from Aramaic and Hebrew to Greek and then has undergone hundreds of different translations since.
How can any one of us be certain of anything???
Do I believe the Bible is literally true? No, I don’t. I believe that much of the Bible is not meant to be taken literally. But, I believe the Bible has a greater truth than literal truth.
The truth about how we are called to love God and love others is more true than whether or not Adam and Eve were actually the first humans to ever walk the planet.
The truth about how we are instructed to care for the poor, the immigrant and the widow is more true than whether or not there was a literal Exodus from Egypt.
The truth about how we are commanded to be generous is more true than whether or not Paul truly intended for women to stay silent in the church.
Whether or not Mary was literally a virgin does not change who Jesus is to me. I do not get hung up on the literal truth of the Bible, because I think there is a deeper truth in the way it calls me to live and serve and love.
While there is much we simply cannot be certain of in our Bible, for me, that’s okay. Because here’s where I can be certain: Jesus.
I am certain he lived and that he believed he was who he said he was. And for me, that is enough. The hinge-point of my faith is Jesus.
And because I trust in Jesus and believe what he said was true, I can be certain that God is good, that God is love, and that God will remain true to his promises. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.
So, rather than going to battle, trying to force people to believe that the Bible is literally true, inerrant, or infallible… Why not instead try to help people understand how the Bible has changed and shaped you? How has the person of Jesus made your life better?
Because, that kind of truth, in my opinion, is the better truth.
I opened Part I of this blog with an image of people gathered around a table when a tense discussion breaks out, where differing opinions are on full display and relationships are damaged.
Now, insert humility and curiosity in the place of certainty, and imagine what that conversation could look and sound like instead.
So, the next time we find ourselves gathered around a table where the conversation starts to take that uncomfortable turn, maybe we can leave our certainty behind and move forward with love. We can aim to connect instead of condemn. We can make sure we are promoting righteousness instead of proving we are right.
We can get humble and get curious. And then maybe we will see the tables start to turn.
Awesome books for further reading:
The Sin of Certainty: Why God Desires Our Trust More Than Our "Correct" Beliefs by Peter Enns. The Lost World of Genesis One by John Walton
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