COMING TO THE TABLE DESPITE DIFFERENCES: PART I

brittbryan1001
Feb 4, 2023
7 min read

Updated: Feb 4, 2023

How to continue conversations and maintain relationships with people we disagree with.

Photo cred: https://to-table.com/blogs/news/talking-politics-at-dinner

January is over. How are you doing with your resolutions?

I didn’t make a big resolution this time. (In fact, I wrote about a different approach to resolutions this year, if you want to check out that post -->Another Way to do Resolutions.)

So, I am working on doing small things, like I wrote about in that piece.

I like to learn and grow and discover new ideas and ways of thinking, and then write about what I am learning. Which is why I started a blog.

But one thing I want to really focus on this year is to make sure that I listen to other peoples’ ideas as much as I talk about my own.

And as I am listening more intently, I am discovering the truth of our cultural and social climate today: we don’t listen to one another. Like, at all.

Have you ever been sitting around the dinner table, either at someone’s home or at a restaurant, and suddenly the friendly banter takes a sharp turn into a heated debate? People look on in stunned silence, or they jump in and take sides.

It’s usually (hopefully) not as dramatic as raised voices or flipped tables. Sometimes it’s just that obvious tension in the air that follows an off-hand comment, and people might awkwardly laugh and attempt to change the subject.

I personally see this happen in conversations between family and friends pretty frequently. We all see this unfold in front of us on a near daily basis on social media.

Especially when there is a polarizing topic (politics, religion, racism, social or cultural issues), people come to the conversational table with their minds firmly made up and new information is usually not welcome. No one leaves these conversations with any different information or opinions or feelings than the ones they arrived with.

This is a really good article from 2016 about how we can have better conversations about race and politics.

It reminds me of that SNL skit they did back when “Hello” by Adele was super popular.

The family gathers around the table and each time some point of tension or debate comes up, the little girl starts playing “Hello” on the stereo and the arguing comes to a screeching halt while everyone starts dramatically lip-synching and reenacting the video.

Obviously, that won't work in real life. (Although I would love it if you tried and then reported back. Film it, please.)

It's not realistic to think we will ever come to perfect agreement on everything, and so we will always have differences of opinions to discuss and debate. That's good and healthy and important.

But it’s the WAY in which we choose to enter these conversations that is problematic.

These kinds of conversations typically lack mutual respect. They are generally void of any attempt to understand or see from the other person’s point of view. People believe their position is the right one. They are certain of it.

And certainty is the enemy of both humility and curiosity.

But I believe that’s exactly what these conversations require: humility and curiosity. Two things our culture desperately needs more of.

If we want to have better, healthier, more productive conversations, then I propose we have got to become more humble and more curious people.

But, how do we do that?

Given that we cannot carry Adele’s music with us into these heated conversations, what can we do instead to get more humble and curious?

(I am going to cover humility in this post, and curiosity in the next one, so stay tuned for part 2.)

HOW CAN WE GET MORE HUMBLE?

First, we can look to humble people and learn from them.

When I try and imagine a humble person, obviously I think of Jesus. I also think of Mother Teresa, or Ghandi. The Bible tells us that Moses was the most humble man on earth.

Celebrities like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Tom Hanks, Jennifer Lawrence, Angelina Jolie, and Hugh Jackman have reputations for being among the most well-liked people in Hollywood, in part because of how humble they are said to be.

When I was a kid, I idolized Audrey Hepburn for that same reason.

She did so much good in the world by using her celebrity status as a way to raise awareness about poverty and famine in Ethiopia, through her humanitarian work as an ambassador for UNICEF.

Photo cred: https://www.unicef.org/goodwill-ambassadors/audrey-hepburn

Her example and influence is partly why I am drawn to charity: water today, and the work my church does by partnering with them to dig fresh-water wells in Ethiopia.

When we get around humble people, it rubs off on us.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood is a movie that tells the story of how Fred Rogers changed the heart of the skeptical journalist who was assigned to profile “Mr. Rogers” in an article. The movie depicted Fred Rogers as an authentically kind, generous, and humble person, whose sincere approach to caring for people changed the direction of the journalist’s life. (It was actually a very moving and inspiring film. I recommend it.)

All those people, from Moses to Mr. Rogers, can show us what humility looks like.

What do they all have in common?

I think it’s a welcoming demeanor that says, “I do not judge you. I do not think I am better than you. I am aware of my own shortcomings. I may not agree with you, but I would rather be always kind than always right. I would rather befriend you than one-up you. I would rather learn from you than school you. And I believe there is inherent value in all human beings. No one group has a monopoly on that.”

To me, that’s humility.

So, the first suggestion for growing in humility is to observe others who are humble.

The second suggestion is specifically for Christians. It’s about our use of spiritually manipulative language, such as phrases like, “Speaking the truth in love,” or “The Bible says…”

I recommend we simply stop saying those phrases.

Let’s start with “Speaking the truth in love.”

It is spiritually abusive. I have literally not one time witnessed what follows that phrase to be a remotely loving experience.

"Speaking the truth in love" is typically tied to an admonishment of some kind to a fellow Christian or someone we are in relationship with. But really, we use it as a poorly veiled attempt to judge someone openly for their choices.

It’s kind of like when someone begins a sentence with, “No offense,” or, “Respectfully,” and you just KNOW that whatever is about to follow is fully offensive and disrespectful.

This is how I see Christians “speaking the truth in love”:

When a parent disapproves of their adult daughter moving in with her boyfriend, and tells her she’s “living in sin” and then cuts off the relationship.
When a friend finds out you have a gay family member and responds, “Well, we hate the sin, but love the sinner.”
When we normalize double standards. Women are slut-shamed for having sex and for what they wear, when men get a full free pass on both with no commentary.
When a pastor says we need “conviction” or “courage” in conversations about gender identify or transgender rights. As if the Bible has anything to say about that at all….

Let me be clear that I am NOT saying Christians cannot have opinions on all these issues. What I AM saying is we should be careful not to launch our opinions at others in a way that communicates judgment at the expense of love.

Instead of “speaking the truth in love,” just do the love part. Love first. Because the way we love others with our actions is a greater truth than anything we can ever say.

Now let’s talk a little about the phrase, “The Bible says…”

If you’re having a conversation about an issue and someone says, “The Bible says…” just pay really close attention to what follows that statement. Because it’s been my experience that what follows has been ripped out of context, misapplied, and fully misunderstood.

When we try to force an ancient book to give clear direction about modern issues, we will run into a problem every single time.

I do believe the Bible can speak to any issue we face today. Just not often directly.

Peter Enns has a FANTASTIC book that I highly, highly recommend. It's called, How the Bible Actually Works. (I think it should be required reading before entering into any debate about “what the Bible says.”)

One of the things Enns says is that the Bible was not written TO us, but it was written FOR us. While it does not speak directly about things in the way we sometimes want it to, it does still speak to us today, in that it provides wisdom for ever-changing times and cultures.

Simply put, we are better off viewing Scripture as a guide and not a set of hard and fast rules.

“The Bible becomes a confusing mess when we expect it to function as a rulebook for faith. But when we allow the Bible to determine our expectations, we see that Wisdom, not answers, is the Bible's true subject matter.” -Peter Enns

One thing the Bible is super clear about is that we speak the truth by how we love. This implies action, not words.

And Christians weaponize Scripture when we cherry-pick our favorite Bible verses and use them to attack someone. Because as much as you might like Ephesians 4:15, I hope you also know how that chapter begins, which in my view, is far more instructive….

“Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.” -Ephesians 4:1-3

“Make every effort to keep yourselves united,” Paul said.

But when we have disagreements with people over political or social issues, we no longer prioritize unity, but rather, being right.

I want to be clear that being loving and humble does not mean you do not voice your opinions. It’s all in the delivery. As pastor and author Tim Keller says, “Tolerance isn’t about not having beliefs. It’s about how your beliefs lead you to treat people who disagree with you.”

Being a Christian does not mean that you have to agree with everyone. But you absolutely should still love those who vote, think, or live differently than you. As hard as that may be, that’s the calling.

So, we can grow in humility by observing and emulating humble people, and we can pay more attention to and commit to stop using spiritually manipulative language.

Now let’s look at how we can grow in curiosity, and why that matters.

(Check out my next blog for how to get more curious!)