Advice to the Graduating Class of 2022: This One's for the Girls

Thoughts on relationships, time, money, faith, and success for the next chapter of your life.

My niece on graduation day.

My niece graduated from high school today. She and I have always been close, more like friends than aunt and niece, so it was emotional for me.

Watching her walk across the stage in her cap and gown, and all those cords around her shoulders highlighting her involvement and accomplishments throughout her high school career, I suddenly had a flashback to her as a little girl again, and my heart ached. I had an intense desire to want to protect her from the world, even though I know she needs no protection. She is strong and confident and smart and she’s going to do amazing things.

Still, attending her graduation ceremony got me thinking...if I could share any wisdom with her, what would I want her to know? For that matter, what do I want all eighteen-year-old girls to know about life, as they enter this next phase of theirs?

So here it is, my advice for the young women of the Class of 2022 on relationships, time, money, success, and faith.

On Relationships:

Most of your mental and emotional energy will be spent on relationships, let’s just be real. Which is why I’m leading with it.

My first piece of advice in this department is this: Do not waste time on a relationship that robs you of your peace. (If you aren’t sure if you’re in an unhealthy relationship, ask your friends - they’ll know for sure.) I spent far too much time in a toxic relationship because I was convinced his control and jealousy simply meant he loved me intensely, and he needed me. My friends and family tried warning me, tried intervening, and I didn’t listen. It took me years to recover.

Good relationships bring life and joy - so when the bad outweighs the good, and if you do not find yourself feeling lifted up, respected, and supported by this person - sayonara.✌🏽

Taylor Swift spoke about this too in her commencement speech at NYU last week. (She said a lot of other brilliant things as well, and I encourage you to watch her speech* in its entirety sometime. Just finish reading this blog first, of course….)

Anyway, Dr. Swift said it like this:

“Life can be heavy, especially if you try to carry it all at once…Decide what is yours to hold and let the rest go. Oftentimes the good things in your life are lighter anyway, so there’s more room for them.”

I love that. “Good things in your life are lighter anyway, so there’s more room for them.” Write that on a notecard and tape it to your mirror and read that often. I repeat: Good things in life do not weigh you down.

Get rid of the negative relationships in your life so you have more room for the good ones. Life is hard enough, and there will be plenty of heavy things that need your energy. A secret of adulthood* is that you actually get to choose what you carry around with you, so choose wisely.

While still on this topic of toxic relationships, do yourself a favor and please, PLEASE, for the love of God, do NOT go for the bad boy. You cannot change or save him. He’s not that interesting or unique or wounded or deep or complicated. He’s just a jerk. I promise you deserve better.

So, when you find yourself in a good relationship, here’s the best advice I can offer you: serve one another. Do nice things for each other. Speak to one another with respect, always. Even when arguing.

And speaking of arguments….arguing a lot does not mean you have a passionate relationship; it means you have an unhealthy one.

A final note on relationships, and it's a big one:

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.

So spend a lot of time with yourself, figuring out what you want and who you are, which is gonna take a while. And you’re going to change - A LOT. And that’s totally normal, healthy and completely okay. So, be kinder to yourself. Get more sleep. (I don’t know how much you’re getting, but I know you aren’t getting enough, so get more.) Most importantly, if you hear nothing else…find your voice. And please don’t be like me and wait until you’re in your thirties before you find it.

Take it from Madonna, the queen of reinvention, self-love, and confidence: "A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want."

On Time:

English poet Edward Young said, “procrastination is the thief of time.” He’s right. Think about it…the longer you wait to start something, the further out you’re pushing the finish line.

This is my personal story about time…

When I was a senior in high school, I got pregnant. (Perhaps I should have included that under my advice on relationships…. DON’T GET PREGNANT.) So, I didn’t go to college right away, and when I did start going, life would happen and I would have to take a break. I got discouraged about how long it would take me to finish.

Many years ago, I was lamenting this to a dear friend of mine, who at that point was sort of becoming my unofficial spiritual mentor. (That’s another secret of adulthood: Get you a spiritual mentor.) I was saying I thought I’d be done with college by the time I was thirty and complaining about how embarrassing it was, and some day I was gonna be forty years old….I was just spiraling. She calmly took my hand and said this: “Brittany. You’re going to be forty someday anyway. Time is passing whether you like it or not. Would you rather be forty with your degree, or without?” I don’t know why that simple question was the earth shattering moment it was for me, but I decided to not procrastinate another moment right then and there. I enrolled in classes, and as of December 2020, I am a college graduate.

"Anything worth anything takes time." - Amelia Earhart

I tell you my story because right now, you’re at the beginning. You’re looking ahead at your next four years (or fifteen, if you take the scenic route like me) and you don’t have a clue what you want to do. Or maybe you’re one of the blessed few who have their entire future planned out, good for you. This isn’t for you then.

For the rest of us who are uncertain, here’s the best advice I can give you about time management: don’t wait until you’re perfect. Don’t wait for the right time, don’t wait until you have all the answers, simply don’t wait. Just do something today. Just take one step, and then the next, and I promise you, it will eventually become clear.

And finally, don’t compare your story with anyone else’s. Just because other people are ahead of you or seem like they have it all together, that doesn’t have anything to do with you and your journey. Don’t worry about what other people are doing. If procrastination is the thief of time, “comparison is the thief of joy” (Theodore Roosevelt said that). Don’t let your time or joy be stolen from you.

On Money:

Do you know what the number one cause of stress is for adults in America? Financial problems. Our relationship with money is complicated, so I’m going to try and keep this very simple:

Don’t rack up credit card debt, start saving now, and be generous.

Debt/Spending: You’ve heard the saying, “out of sight, out of mind,” right?? Blindly swiping your credit card leads to a very false sense of security when it comes to what you can truly afford. So, look at your credit/debit card statement regularly, at least once a week. See where you are spending the most of your money and consider if you need to cut back. (I’ll save you the time and trouble: You do.) Give yourself a budget for spending money. Here’s a tip: stop spending so much money on fast food. There. I just saved you at least $200 a month.

Saving: Don’t wait until you have a career and family to open a retirement account. I’m not going to give you advice on what kind of account you need to start, you need to speak with an expert on that, which I am not. But I am an expert in, “I wish I had done this sooner.” When it comes to money, a great place to start is to listen to and do whatever Dave Ramsey* says.

Generosity: Whatever you save and spend, make sure you also give. The funny thing about giving, is you do it to help others, and it ends up helping you. Don’t believe me? Just try it and see how you feel, then get back to me.

One more thing to say about money…

The way you make money is your job, so here’s a little advice about work: You don’t have to have it figured out right now. You can start in one career and switch. For that matter, you can start with one major and switch: you’re not beholden to anything. Don’t stress about whether or not you’re in your forever career, just do your best wherever you are and learn as much as you can now, and take that with you into the next phase of your career. Straight lines are boring, anyway.

On Success:

People define success differently. Here’s my definition of success: You set a goal for yourself, you worked your butt off, you overcame obstacles and made necessary adjustments, and you were doggedly relentless until you reached your goal. A key to becoming successful in anything is to hold yourself to a high standard. Be excellent. Show up first and leave last. Be humble and admit when you need help, then accept help from others.

In life, there will be those who do not like to watch you succeed. When you’re the hardest working person in the room, and when you start to get recognition for that hard work, there will be people who throw shade and feel threatened by your success. Take that as a sign that you are doing something right.

Here’s the reality of success: it often comes after failure. You can’t avoid it, so fail spectacularly. Take the risk. Don’t be irresponsible - but do be brave and bold.

The fact is, on the road to your own version of success, you’re going to make some mistakes. Brene Brown*, who has done research on the area of shame and resilience, says:

“Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.”

So, own your mistakes, and learn from them. The best lessons in my life, I learned from my mistakes. (PS: a secret of adulthood is while it's great to learn from your own mistakes, it's even better to learn from other people’s mistakes.)

You probably already know that striving for success can really stress you out. Sometimes stress is actually healthy; but it can also lead to anxiety and depression. Unfortunately, there is no magic cure I can give you here; but I do strongly recommend this:

Figure out how to manage your stress now or it will manage you.

Run, work out, meditate, write, blast music and dance, go to therapy. (If it gets to where you still can’t manage with these coping mechanisms, see a doctor.) Do whatever works for you. But do not do nothing about your stress. I cannot stress this enough. For me, I deal with stress often by writing, sometimes a good quick run, and I always lean into my faith.

On Faith:

My advice to you on faith is simple: Find yours. God does not have to be found in a church or on the pages of the Bible, although it’s my personal belief that the Bible has a lot to tell us about God, and belonging to a church body is the best thing you can do for your faith life - for your life in general, actually. Doing life in community, I have found, is the healthiest way to live. And having faith in something greater than yourself is a much more meaningful way to live, and a secret of adulthood.

You’re just going to have to find your own way here. But I pray you do find it sooner rather than later, because it will serve you well in all areas of life.

Truth is, you gotta find your own way in all these areas. And I know everyone is offering you advice these days. So just one final piece of advice from me... Whether in relationships, with your time or money, in faith and through your successes and failures - don’t go it alone. Find your tribe, your community, your people. We all “get by with a little help from our friends.”

Ok Class of 2022. It’s time to close the chapter of high school and start the next one.

Want to know the best thing about this next chapter of your life? You get to write it. You’re an adult now, you don’t have to listen to parents or teachers, not technically. You certainly don't have to listen to me! This is your story - not your parents, not your teachers, and not your friends. It’s yours.

So write what you want. I hope you make it a great story.

Me and my niece on her big day. (A personal note to her: I’m your biggest fan, and I’m so proud of who you are becoming. Go get ’em, girl. You've got this, I have no doubt. And PS: I will be reading your ”story,” so make good choices! 😘)

*Watch Taylor's NYU Commencement Speech: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDv0IAwpzoI

*”A secret of adulthood” is an idea Gretchen Rubin talks about, here I'm creating my own secrets of adulthood. Her book “Better Than Before” is probably my most recommended book. Find it on Amazon:

https://smile.amazon.com/Better-Than-Before-Habits-Procrastinate/dp/0385348630/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1UL3HSRJGWQ46&keywords=better+than+before&qid=1653705520&sprefix=better+than+before%2Caps%2C198&sr=8-1

*Dave Ramsey: www.ramseysolutions.com

*Check out Brene Brown’s work: https://brenebrown.com/